Turning My Mess Into A Message

The power is the message never the messenger

Let It Go


There was some shit that went down this week. I’m not going to go into details.  I do hold some things private in my life. But I had my wake up call.Legitimately. Life is short. It is. The anniversary of Sarah’s death is coming up soon and it’s a harsh reminder of that. If Sarah […]

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I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to write this post, but I’m going to try. It’s going to be rambling, I apologize but I need to let these feelings out, own them and then let them go. Since December 15th, I have cried every single day. 44 days of crying and […]

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30 Day Meditation Challenge


I have been talking about meditating for awhile now. People who practice tell me that it’s life changing. So here i am. Let’s change our lives together.

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tell them your story

Let’s start with a reason that struck a nerve in me. My ex-boyfriend would tell you that I post things because I’m grandstanding. His words. I looked it up and it said to perform ostentatiously so as to impress an audience. Let me tell when I posted about my suicide attempt, there was nothing further […]

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There are some very sweet people out there that have said I’m one of the strongest people they know. I guess. I haven’t survived cancer, that’s a STRONG person.   But I have survived some major pitfalls in life and they have left scars.  And there is only one word to express how I got […]

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Dear Future Mate, I feel like I need to write you a letter to explain what you’re getting into. I think you already know, but I want to make sure it’s clear. I have been hurt and have kissed many frogs in my life. You are the Champion I have been waiting for. My marriage […]

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Magic Number


If you are dating right now, you probably have asked or been asked what your magic number is. For those who are scratching their heads wondering what I’m referring to … it is how many dates before you have sex. Trust me, that question is asked very early in conversations. Sometimes before you even meet […]

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Facebook Creeping Ninja


If you are in the dating world, you probably use sites such as Match, eHarmony and the Tinder app. It’s a jungle. A JUNGLE. Sure, people put things down like they love to camp, they love listening to classical music and all other sorts of half-truths. It’s not until you get their full name, email […]

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In my 20+ years of dating (if you take into consideration high school), I have finally learned the biggest lesson of all. Never ever settle.  Repeat. NEVER.EVER.SETTLE. It’s really very easy when you think about it. You don’t like smokers? Don’t date someone who smokes OR is trying to quit. You like tall guys? Don’t […]

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Dear Sarah


Dear Sarah, You are going to be 8 years old soon and eventually we’re going to have to have the birds and the bees talk. Cringe. But there is another talk we need to have and that’s about knowing your worth and what you deserve in a relationship. You never saw Mommy and Daddy fight […]

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Real Deal


Since October 2013 (yes 2013), I have curated a playlist on Spotify called The Real Deal. I started it with the hope that one day I would feel what the artists were talking about in their songs. I would go back and forth with the order of the songs, taking some out and putting new […]

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KWS snowy drive.JPG

This is the time of year I dread. Snow season. And it wasn’t always that way. I used to love to ski and would have fun driving pirouettes in the parking lot of Wegmans with my car during college. But now I fear of driving in snow showers. After Sarah died in a white out […]

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I was on the treadmill this morning and thought about this post. I’m like many of you that starts off each year saying I’m going to lose weight and eat healthier.  I use the Timehop app and going back for the past 5 years, I posted I was getting it done. Focusing on me. But […]

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My friends and family know me really well. After the post yesterday, I had calls and emails saying that you are too hard on yourself, that’s bullshit what you wrote. The intent for my blog has always been to express my feelings and work things out on paper.  It’s my own personal therapy but with […]

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Confession time. This morning I read my ex-boyfriend’s Match profile and in the last paragraph, I knew he was talking about me. The things he didn’t want…they were my attributes and they were ugly. So ugly. So I asked Rob, was this really me and he said yes. Sometimes the truth hurts. Crying. I don’t […]

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A Champion


“Holly doesn’t need a man, she never did.” My ex said this about me and after great thought about what he said, I now realize he was right.  I was brought up to be self-sufficient, self-aware and perfectly fine without any help from what a man could bring to the table.  But a man is […]

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Throwing Darts


This analogy just came to me today and I thought I would work it out here on the blog.  Finding love is like playing a dart game.  Let that thought marinade a little. When you play a dart game, you gotta find the right sweet spot.  You could throw darts at the damn board so many […]

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Fix You


Yesterday someone told me that I should listen to “Fix You” by Coldplay. What they didn’t know is that’s one of my “go to” songs when I need to contemplate life. It’s funny but really all of us are broken. Not only are WE broken but we’re normally trying to fix other people instead of […]

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A Look Back At 2014


There’s only a couple of days left in 2014 so I guess it’s time to reflect about my year and think about 2015. The best way to describe the year is to give you my score for the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale.   The score is 444. What does this mean? Score   Comment 300+   You […]

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Today I read Mashable’s post on the top apps of 2014 listed by Apple and thought I would share my own. I decided to add the ones that my daughter Sarah loved throughout the year too. I am known to be an app geek and have spawned a 7 year old little girl who is one in […]

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See Sarah Soar


After four years of therapists, tears and triumphs, I’ve decided to have Sarah discharged at the end of December when her prescription comes up for her autism therapy. Her BSC and MT said that she was ready but left it up to me if I wanted to continue for another 3 months or more. It’s […]

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Do You Believe In Signs?


I have been sitting on this blog post for awhile and I’m finally able to finish it. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that God puts things in place for us to work through and figure out in our own time. So I’ll answer the question I poised in the title, I […]

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No More Walls


I have recently decided to start tearing down the walls that I had inside for so long. My life consisted of  keeping most people at bay emotionally and staying numb to any feelings.  Sheltering my inner self, my core, allowed me not to get hurt. But life is short and living that way you end […]

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My Story of Suicide


I have decided to tell my story for World Suicide Prevention Day on September 10th, 2014.  I have never told anyone the details of my story so please bear with me. I have done a video in one take so that I couldn’t go back and forth in written form.    

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What Toilet Paper Do You Use?


I’m going to provide a revelation to some of you.  We all wipe our asses with the same toilet paper that we get at the same grocery store. No different. If there is one thing I don’t tolerate it’s pretentious people. I can’t stand it. And now we live in a community that is quaint, […]

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Co-Parenting Skillz


I guess Rob and I are in the minority when it comes to our co-parenting skills. After he decided that Sarah could live with me full-time, we became focused only on what was in the best interest for her. And I guess this is rare. It seems crazy that this is rare because you would […]

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